Bleach: The Peroxide Series
by Millie M. Banshee
Summary: A series of short stupid stories. 1. A Day off: Some male Shinigami decided to make a bet on Rangiku's bust size. 2. The Toshiro Two-step: Toshiro gets unwanted dancing lessons & more trouble. 3. Why Ulquiorra Never Smiles: Gin learns why very quickly.
1. A Day Off 1: A Dirty Little Bet

Bleach: The Peroxide Series

A Day Off 1: A Dirty Little Bet

(A/N Don't ask where I got this idea from and they maybe OOC as well. This just came to me out of the blue. I hope you all enjoy this.)

**SOUNDS/sounds**

_Thoughts/writing_

* * *

"Damn it's hot," Ikkaku groaned, looking up through the canopy of a shade tree. "It's been like these for 3 days now."

"Tell be about it. Hot, dry, and muggy. Come to think of it, it hasn't rained in a week or so," Tetsuzaemon said, also lounging around in the shade holding an empty jug. "Plus we're out of saké."

"Don't even remind me of this blasted humidity. Ugh, my hair can't take much more of this," Yumichika growled, looking into a mirror at his hair. "I can't get it to stay down and I think this heat is starting to give me split ends. I can already see the damage beginning."

"You know what's a good cure for that?" Ikkaku yawned and Yumichika looked up anxiously. "On second though… Nah, it wouldn't work."

"Oh, c'mon, tell me, please," Yumichika said, walking over to Ikkaku and sat down beside him. "I have to try something. If my hair looks ugly then I look ugly, and then…"

"Yeah, yeah, this is what you do," Ikkaku said with a grin before drawing in a long breath. "JUST LOP IT OFF AND SHUT UP ABOUT IT!"

Yumichika froze in horror as Tetsuzaemon and Ikkaku started laughing. Every single waking moment Yumichika was always complaining about his hair these last few days. It was getting to become a nuisance. It was a wonder it took someone this long to shut him up.

"LOP IT OFF?!! YOU BRUTE!! NO ONE IS LAYING A FINGER ON MY GORGOUS HAIR!!" Yumichika screeched, backing away from Ikkaku with his hands over his head.

"Aw, c'mon, haven't you heard 'bald is beautiful?" Ikkaku laughed, patting his own smooth head.

"Yeah, sure, it may be a good look for you," Tetsuzaemon added as Yumichika growled at them.

"Honestly you two are horrible! Simply horrible," Yumichika hissed, pointing at finger at them, before stroking his hair. "It's okay. They didn't mean it. No they didn't."

"Is he talking to—his hair?" Tetsuzaemon asked quietly to Ikkaku. "He is, isn't he?"

"I wouldn't put it past him. Yumichika, that's enough, I was only joking," Ikkaku sighed, before wiping his forehead. "Damn this fucking heat. Even in the shade it's sweltering."

"Well, complaining about it isn't going to make it any better," a new voice appeared.

The group turned to see who had arrived. Renji stepped out from behind some shrubs with his shirt open slightly, a jug in one hand, and a cell phone in the other. It seemed that all of Soul Society was taking it easy today. No one wanted to do much of anything today except lie around and complain about the heat.

"Well, well, Lieutenant Abarai," Ikkaku grinned. "Taking it easy today too, I see."

"And who wouldn't?" Renji said, finding a place to sit on the grass.

"Hey, now, that wouldn't happen to be saké, would it?" Tetsuzaemon asked, looking at the gourd jug in Renji's hand.

"No. It's water. Saké is the last thing anyone needs to be drinking on days like this," Renji stated, looking down at the cell phone in his hands. "Not that that stop any of you before."

"That's not your phone, is it?" Yumichika asked, suddenly appearing over Renji's shoulder. "I've seen it before but I can't place where. Let me see."

He went to grab it but Renji moved out of Yumichika's reach. He tried again only to have move out his reach again.

"Will you stop it?! It's hot enough as it is without you leaning on me," Renji growled, elbowing him the gut. "Get off me, would ya?! Sheesh."

"So, if it's not your phone whose is it?" Tetsuzaemon asked.

"Rukia's phone. She dropped a while ago," Renji stated.

"Don't you think you ought to return it to her?" Yumichika stated, rubbing his gut. "Ow. You better not have a bruised me."

"Could you get any more vain?" Renji grumbled and Yumichika opened his mouth. "Don't answer that."

"So, find anything of interest on our dear 'Princess,'" Ikkaku asked, walking over to Renji. "Going through her text messages, huh? Anything good?"

"Not much of anything. Most everything is business with the Soul Society or Urahara's shop. How boring," Renji groaned.

"It shows she takes her job seriously," Tetsuzaemon said, leaning back against a large tree. "Hey, you're getting a text."

"Thank you, I can see that," Renji drawled, suddenly finding everyone hanging over him to look at the tiny screen. _Why did I even make it a point not lean over me today?_

"Who's it from?"

"Hurry up and open it."

"That's a really pretty color for a phone. Maybe I should get a new—"

Everyone turned to look at Yumichika oddly.

"I mean, uh, what does it say?" Yumichika grinned and they looked back down at the phone.

"Oh, it's from Yoruichi," Renji said, looking at the screen. "The title is '_Bra sizes._'"

"Bra sizes?" the other men chimed leaning in deeper as Renji started to become crushed by their weight.

"GET OFF ME!" Renji yelled as they quickly stood up. "Just sit somewhere away from me and I'll read it aloud."

"Well, come on. Out with it already," Ikkaku snapped, sitting down with Tetsuzaemon and Yumichika on either side of him.

"All right, don't rush me," Renji snorted, opening the message. "_'Yo, Rukia, got this from Orihime. Bra Sizes. A-Almost a boob, B-Barely a boob, C-Can't complain, D-Damn, DD-Double Damn, E-Enormous, F-Fake, G-Get a reduction, and H-Help I've fallen and I can't get up!'_"

"You've got to be kidding me. Rukia gets messages like that?" Ikkaku said, slightly pink.

"I bet she deletes them when she finished reading them," Yumichika sighed. "It is a mystery of just what messages goes through the phone of a woman."

"I can't be that big of a mystery," Tetsuzaemon snorted. "So, anyone want to take a guess at Rangiku's bra size?"

"She is obviously a D," Yumichika stated.

"She's far bigger than that. I would go with a DD at least," Ikkaku stated, proudly.

"Why not jump to gun and go with E?" Renji grinned. "Captain Hitsugaya's got lucky. With a woman like that beside him. Sure she can be a bit of a lazy ass sometimes but come on with pillows like hers…"

"Yeah, no, kidding," Ikkaku laughed. "Lucky little brat."

"Hey, I just came up with an idea," Yumichika said as every ignored him. "Hello, I'm talking here! Don't ignore me! Fine, if resorts to this… It involves dirty pillows."

"You were saying?" Tetsuzaemon said as everyone turned to look at Yumichika.

"Uh, yeah, let's settle this dispute about the Lieutenant's bra size," Yumichika beamed. "Let's make it a bet. We most certainly can't ask her straight forward so… If this joke came from the World of Living than all we have to do is try to find a woman of Rangiku's size and find what her bra size is. And with added bonus of them not being able to see us…"

"You have any idea how much trouble we could get in for doing that?" Tetsuzaemon stated, adjusting his dark shades.

"I'm in," Ikkaku said.

"Count me in as well," Renji stated. "Tetsuzaemon?"

"All right I'm in too," Tetsuzaemon nodded.

"Great! Place your bets gentlemen," Yumichika grinned.

"I'm in as well! I believe I know her size quite well," Izuru shouted, hurrying out of the bushes and handed Yumichika his bet. "I say she's a DD!"

"Where the hell did you come from?" Ikkaku asked, looking at Izuru oddly.

"Well, okay," Yumichika said, collecting the other bets. "Onward to the World of the Living!"

"You do realize we have to sneak out, right?" Renji stated. "Without a mission or permission we…"

"Renji is correct, Yumichika," Tetsuzaemon agreed. "Sneaking out alone is going to be tricky."

"Leave that all to me," Yumichika said. "I've got this whole idea figured out!"

* * *

"I'm late! I'm late!" Hanatarou squeaked as he rushed outside and down a set of steps. "I can't believe I fell asleep before the meeting. This heat is horrible… All want to do is sleep…"

It didn't take long for the small Shinigami to slow his pace and started to drag his feet a bit as he got off the steps. Why the captain had to have the meeting at the height of the heat for the day was beyond him. What he wouldn't give for a bucket of ice water to dumped over his head. Speaking of buckets… That object that was coming at his face at him at a rather fast speed looked just like a…

**GOOONG!!**

Hanatarou wobbled for a moment before falling over backwards. A group of 5 men looked at the down 4th division member moaning and groaning on the coble stone ground.

"You know I don't think you really needed to do that, Ikkaku," Izuru said, looking at Hanatarou slowly coming to. "And I don't think he would have paid much mind to us either."

"Well, I wasn't looking. I just heard footsteps and… Well, I just heard footsteps, okay?" Ikkaku snapped. "I mean we're trying to sneak out after all."

"Sn-sneak out?" Hanantarou mumbled. "Why?"

"Oh, shit… Listen, Yamada, just keep your mouth shut," Renji said as the small Shinigami went to set up. "It's nothing that concerns you."

"But I did hear the words 'sneak' and 'out' beside each other and…" the next thing Hanatarou knew he was quite a few feet off the ground looking up into Tetsuzaemon's shades. "Wh-what I mean to say is th-that… Don't hurt me… Pl-please…"

"Just bring him with us," Yumichika said as Tetsuzaemon set Hanatarou down on his feet. "Care to make a bet of Rangiku's breast size."

"Wha…?" Hanatarou gasped with his mouth hanging open.

"You see we've made bets on Rangiku's bra size. She's either a D or above and we're going to the World of the Living to find a woman of her breast size and see what size bra she wears," Yumichika stated as Hanatarou just started at him in shock.

"I smell saké on someone or some ones," Hanatarou stated looking around the 5 men surround him.

"Okay, let me put it this way; either you place a bet and come with us or we tie you up somewhere and leave you until we come back," Ikkaku grinned, patting Hanatarou on the head.

"What are the sizes?" Hanatarou grinned back nervously. _This is a very bad idea. I'm going to miss my meeting either way. I never should have over slept. Why me?_

(A/N That's it for now. I hope you like. I have more in the works. Please review!)

Millie M. Banshee


	2. A Day Off 2: Peeping Toms

Bleach: The Peroxide Series

A Day Off 2: Peeping-toms

(A/N To all those you may have read as a stand alone story note that it is now part of a series.)

**SOUNDS/sounds**

_Thoughts_

* * *

(The World of the Living, Karakura Town.)

"We're going to get caught I just know it, you guys. On top of that I'm missing a very important meeting," Hanatarou said, bring up the rear. "To make matters worse three of you are lieutenants. This can't be good."

"Will you quit whining?" Renji snorted looking over his shoulder at Hanatarou. "We're already in the World of the Living so suck it up. It shouldn't take too long."

"Let's just remember to keep an eye out for orange top and his friends," Ikkaku stated, looking over at Renji. "This many of us will catch some rather unwanted attention."

"Good point," Izuru nodded. "But just where should we start?"

Everyone paused and looked around the busy city streets. There were a lot of girls but it seemed finding even one of Orihime's size was going to be tricky.

"Hey, I just remember something," Hanatarou spoke up. "When I use to be a cashier here the store use to sell something called adult magazines."

"Your point being?" Tetsuzaemon asked, looking down at the small Shinigami.

"Well, you see all of the magazines were full of well endowed woman in very little t-to no clothing," Hanatarou squeaked out, turning slightly pink. "The center folds were the best."

"Yeah, but those are just pictures, we're looking for the real deal," Yumichika stated crossing his arms. "WE have to find women around Rangiku's size to see what her bra size is. Just looking at pictures is the same as just looking at the Lieutenant herself."

"Could you still hook me up with some of those adult magazines?" Ikkaku asked with a wicked grin. "You know, just for later."

"Soft or hard core?" Hanatarou stated, looking at the odd looks on everyone's faces.

"Right. Let's worry about that later. Remember this was supposed to have been quick," Renji snorted, looking around.

"How about that one?" Tetsuzaemon said, pointing at one.

"Yeah, she looks about—oh, goodness she's lopsided! Ew and her face isn't that good anyways," Yumichika said, turning in other direction. "Hey, how about that one over there?"

"A bit saggy, don't you think?" Izuru said. "Hey, hey, what about that one? The one in the green shirt."

"Oh, yeah, she looks about right. Wait a minute! Did she just stuff tissue down her shirt?" Renji gawked. "She is definitely an F in more ways than one! FAIL!"

"Lopsided, saggy, or fake. There's got to be one woman around that is all natural," Yumichika groaned. "Hey, how that one over there?"

"She's a little too small and I think that's—shit it's Orihime! Quick, run before she sees us!" Renji said as everyone took off away from her.

She quickly walked over to where the group had been standing only to find them gone. She had wanted to ask Renji something but he just vanished. She stopped to look around a bit.

"That's funny... I could have sworn I saw Renji and some others here a minute ago," Orihime with a sigh. "I guess I must have just imagined it after all. Oh, well."

She quickly left and group of men peeked around the corner, looking at her retreating form.

"That was close. Now what?" Izuru said, looking at the group.

"This is getting us nowhere fast," Ikkaku snapped. "Let's just say we head back and forget this whole thing."

"But you sounded so eager about it earlier," Yumichika stated. "You can't just take back your bet, Ikkaku."

"Yeah, but if we get caught even by Orihime she could blab," Tetsuzaemon responded.

"So, we just go back then, just like that?" Yumichika gasped, snapping his fingers. "We've still got a little time left."

"I wouldn't mind going back. I might still be able to catch the end of the meeting," Hanatarou said, looking at Yumichika.

"Oh, you be quiet!" Yumichika snapped. "C'mon, gentlemen. We could go down in history as...."

"As the biggest idiots in history," Izuru stated. "I'm a lieutenant as is Tetsuzaemon and Renji. In all respects we really shouldn't have placed those bets and come here."

"Okay fine. Here's your money—OH MY! Look at her," Yumichika gasped with his mouth wide open. "She'll do just fine! She even has a nice figure and face to match. A picture of beauty! Oh, yeah!"

"Let's make this really quick," Renji said as they followed after the blond bombshell.

They followed the young woman home, keeping an eye out for Orihime and the others. It was a small apartment on the third floor. Nothing really special. The young woman never even noticed her 6 unwanted visitors. She sat down her purse on the counter and ducked into her bedroom. The men soon followed keeping a very close on her.

She took the clips out of her hair and started to pull out some new clothes. It looked like a uniform for work. Hotdog she was going to undress. If she took off her bra they could see a lot more than just the size of her bra. She then ducked into another room and the sound of running water hit their ears.

"Even better. She's taking a shower," Yumichika beamed. "This is going to be great!"

"You're getting a little too much enjoyment out of this, aren't you," Hanatarou drawled, watching Yumichika and others quickly hurry towards the bathroom. "This really can't be a good thing."

Hanatarou decided to stay back and not watch this unfold. A moment later Renji and the others ran from the doorway yelling profanities and making disgusting sounds. Hanatarou blinked. What had happened? He noticed the only one that remained by the door was Yumichika. With a little courage the small shinigami approached the bathroom door and saw a blond wig on the counter and a _man_ step into the shower. Hanatarou turned to look at Yumichika. He was the only one interested in this turn of events. Somehow, the quad 4 member thought, this was very deserving for this group of supposed gentlemen.

"NOOOOW can we go back to the Seireitei?" Hanatarou drawled, looking at the group.

"W-we must not let this deter us," Yumichika said, still looking at the drag-queen behind the shower curtain.

"This coming from the only one of us who is interested in the man in the shower," Ikkaku sighed, crossing his arms.

"Let's try just one more time," Yumichika said, turning around to face his fellow shinigami. "If nothing turns up you'll get a full refund."

"Just one last chance," Izuru said, walking out the door with the rest of the group.

A moment later Ikkaku walked back into the bedroom and grabbed Yumichika by the back of his haori and pulled him away from the bathroom door.

* * *

(One Hour Later)

"We want our money back," Tetsuzaemon ordered, holding out his hand out to Yumichika.

"Yeah, we haven't found anyone else to fit the bill," Renji added, also holding out his hand. "Now we want our refunds."

The remaining group members also held out their hands for their own refunds. Yumichika sighed as he pulled out his money pouch and opened it up. It was a good idea while it lasted. He poured some the money out into his hands and started to count it off when something caught his eye. He turned to see a buxom beauty with long tawny hair jog by just across the street. This was his last chance.

"What about her?!" Yumichika asked, pointing across the street.

"We're not falling for it," Izuru stated bluntly. "Our money, please."

"I'm not making this up," Yumichika protested. "Look! I'm being serious!"

With a groan the group turned to see if it was true or not. Hot damn! Okay, so Yumichika lucked out on this one. They turned back to him as he quickly pocketed the money yet again and broke through the small group and started off after the woman. The rest of the group quickly followed after him and the busty woman.

The woman led them to a small townhouse. She opened the door a kicked off her running shoes. They quickly followed her inside before she shut the door. Now they just needed to get her bra size. They started towards the bedroom to look around her undergarments for her bra size. She followed them in and prevented from going through her clothes while she was in there.

They wait for her to leave only to have her pull off her t-shirt and pants before grabbing some clean clothes. At least they knew this was a woman compared to the last mistake. She walked into a conjoining room. They all peeked in save for Hanatarou who just sat on the bed shaking his head at the group of men. Honestly, what was the big deal? For crying out loud he was member of squad 4. A naked female no longer fazed him. He and others had to get use to seeing such things, so technically this wasn't anything special.

Everyone else was watching her like a wolf at the door as she removed the bra and panties. She then started the water in the shower and tested the temperature before stepping in and closing the green curtain. And just like that it was over too quickly but now that she was out of her undergarments Yumichika quickly walked into the bathroom and picked up her bra. The others quickly huddled around him and he looked at the tag.

"It's too worn, I can't read it," Yumichika groaned as Renji snatched it from him.

"Oh, honestly," Renji snapped, holding it up closer to his face. "Let's see what's here."

"We're seeing all right," Izuru, Tetsuzaemon, and Ikkaku said, peeking behind the green shower curtain.

"And I'm going to see if I can find one we can read," Yumichika said, walking back into the bedroom.

"I think I can almost make it out," Renji said, squinting a bit.

"Can I see it?"

"Sure thing, Captain—**GAAASP!!**" Renji slowly, turned around to meet the dark blue eyes of his captain and they didn't look pleased at all. "C-C-C-C-CAAA-AA-AAP K-K-KU-KU-KU…!!"

Beside him stood Captain Hitsugaya and he didn't look too happy either. Everyone else still had their heads in the shower, while Yumichika and Hanatarou were in the bedroom.

"I've found it, she's a size—uh-oh…" Yumichika said, walking into the bathroom to meet Captain Kuchiki and Captain Hitsugaya.

Kuchiki held the bra in his hands before hooking the lacy garment over Renji's head. Renji's face was a white as Hitsugaya's hair at this point. Yumichika was turning just as white as he dropped the bra that was in his hands to the floor. Hanatarou had an inkling, from the way that Yumichika was looking in the doorway, that they had been caught red handed. He better get gone before he ended up in this mess. He quickly stood and dashed out of the bedroom.

Hitsugaya turned around and tapped Ikkaku on the shoulder. Ikkaku turned around with an annoyed look on his face that he was disturbed only to change it to one of horror; he in turned hit Izuru in the back. Izuru turned around to see why Ikkaku had slapped him to find Hitsugaya staring at them coldly. Izuru quick pulled on Tetsuzaemon's haori to get his attention.

"What?" Tetsuzaemon asked, turning around before catching sight of the small captain. "Shit…"

"Mind explaining yourselves, gentalmen?" Hitsugaya drawled, crossing his arms. "This is a serious offense you have committed."

"It was all his idea," everyone quickly pointed at Yumichika.

"Uh, me?! Me?! H-hold on! I'm not the one with Rukia's phone," Yumichika said, pointing at Renji.

"Rukia's phone?" Byakuya questioned turning back to Renji with the bra still on his head.

"Sh-she dropped it. I was going to return it to when I saw her," Renji said quickly, pulling it out.

"But what does her phone have to do with this mess?" Hitsugaya asked as Byakuya took the phone from Renji.

Byakuya, on a hunch, started to go through his sister's phone. Renji tried to back away but only landed on the toilet. Thank goodness ladies keep the lids down.

"'Bra Sizes' message sent by Yoruichi earlier today," Byakuya said, opening the message. "This explains a few things but not everything."

Byakuya handed the phone over to Toshiro to look at. The small captain sighed as he close the phone and handed it back to Kuchiki. Okay, that was only the spark that started the fire but what was the fuel? Both captains turned back to Yumichika considering the small group of peeping-toms pointed at him first.

"Yumichika, mind explaining this fiasco?" Toshiro ordered more than asked.

"Well, um…" Yumichika swallowed, before taking in a deep breath. "AfterwereadthattextIdecidedtostartabettoseehowbigRangiku'sbreastsare!"

Toshiro and Byakuya stood silently staring at the flamboyant Shinigami. They slowly turned to look at each other for a moment before turning back to Yumichika.

"Nani?" the captains questioned together.

"I said: AfterwereadthattextIdecidedtostartabettoseehowbigRangiku'sbreastsare!" Yumichika repeated but still got the same lost stares not only from the captains but from everyone else in the room."

"Space your words and say that one more time," Byakuya said, fingering his zanpakuto.

Yumichika let out a nervous wavering laugh before swallowing another large knot in his throat. This wasn't going to end well. He seriously doubted that the captains were going like this. It started off as just finding the proper bra size for Matsumoto and ended in a case of spying on a naked woman. They were not going to like this one bit.

"After we read that text I decided to start a bet to see how big Rangiku's breasts are," Yumichika squeaked out, biting his bottom lip.

Toshiro stared at him with his mouth slightly agape. Yumichika knew this was bad when he saw the small captain stare at him in mild shock. Kuchiki just shook his head. While Hitsugaya and Kuchiki were fixated on Yumichika the rest of the group were going to try and make a break for it. Only to have Toshiro turn around and give them an icy glare. They quickly stopped and backed away from the door.

"Her breast size? All of this was just to see how big my Lieutenant's bust is?!" Toshiro growled out as the atmosphere grew very cold.

"Why's it getting so cold in here?" the woman questioned to no one.

They turned to look at the woman in the shower for a moment before going back to the matter at hand. The guilty party slowly nodded their heads. This would have been almost funny had the situation not turned out like this.

"Give them back their money, Yumichika. The bets off and we ALL are heading back to the Seireitei," Toshiro stated as Yumichika pulled out his money pouch.

"Of course we will be reporting this to your captains of what has conspired. It'll be up to them to give you your proper punishment," Byakuya stated, glaring at Renji.

"Yes, sir," they all responded in a low voice as Yumichika gave them back their money.

They started out the door with a groan. Renji went to set the bra down on the bed when Toshiro grabbed it and walked back into the bathroom to set it down where it had been. He stopped dead and dropped the bra to the floor right beside the other one.

"CAPTAIN KUCHIKI!!"

Everyone rushed back to the bathroom doorway. Byakuya looked like a kid after his mother caught him in the cookie jar. Renji and the others had a leer on their faces as they chuckled. Byakuya quickly tried to regain his original composer but the pink cheeks weren't helping.

"Captain, wouldn't this be referred to as the pot calling the kettle black?" Renji mocked with a nasty grin.

"Honestly, even you, Captain Kuchiki," Toshiro hissed. "Am I the only one that hasn't seen that poor woman stark naked?!"

A moment later the shower curtain opened wide. He would have to be looking right at the curtain. There she was on in all of her glory. Toshiro wasn't going to be able to look at Matsumoto for a while. The woman quickly grabbed her towel and began to dry herself off.

"Welcome to the club," Ikkaku smirked as Toshiro's right eye twitched.

"Let's say we work out a deal. You two don't tattle on us and we won't tattle on you two to Head-Captain Yamamoto," Yumichika said cheerfully but with slight sly tone.

"Deal," the captain's drawled in unison.

* * *

(Two Days Later)

Hanatarou yawned as set on some steps in the shade with an opened boxed lunch in his lap. It was another hot summer day and the clouds were far and in between. It was nice to relax and eat lunch in a quiet area. He turned to his bag and picked up his chop sticks and went for piece of fish only to find his lunch box was missing.

He looked up to see Ikkaku holding his bento box with Renji, Izuru, and Tetsuzaemon flanking either side of him. Hanatarou swallowed slightly. Was he in trouble or something? He hadn't said a word to anyone about the events from the other day.

"Hey, Hanatarou," Ikkaku said in a serious tone.

"Yes?" the small shinigami squeaked out.

"Tell us something," Renji said this time.

"Okay," Hanatarou responded.

"How come you weren't all gaga like the rest of us?" Tetsuzaemon asked.

"What are you talking about?" Hanatarou blinked, looking up at the tall lieutenant.

"The ladies! You were the least interest in them," Izuru stated. "Even Yumichika had some interest and that's saying something."

"Oh! That, yeah… Well, uh, I'm a Squad 4 member," Hanatarou answer getting blank stares from the other men.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Ikkaku asked, pulling an onigiri out of the Hanatarou bento box. "You weren't going to eat this, were you?"

"Not any more," Hanatarou moped as his small box was cleaned by everyone else but him.

"What were you saying about Squad 4 members?" Izuru questioned getting the timid Shinigami's attention back.

"Squad 4 members we are medical practitioners. As such, I've seen naked women before lots of times," Hanatarou stated almost lazily. "It wasn't really as big a deal to me like it was for you guys."

"So, let me get this straight you Squad 4 guys actually get to see naked women just like that?" Renji stated wide eyed.

"That goes without saying. I figured you guys would have known that," Hanatarou said, looking at the men before them get a look in their eyes. "I look at them from medical standpoint not from a sexual one."

"But the fact remains that you've seen naked women countless times," Tetsuzaemon stated bluntly.

"Your point?" Hanatarou asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"Nothing really," Ikkaku said, turning around with everyone else. "See ya, around."

"O-okay," Hanatarou said weakly as they left. "Oh, no! Ikkaku still has my lunch box. It was best one too."

* * *

(Later That Day)

Hanatarou found his bento box in the trash. He picked it up and cleaned it as he went. It wasn't made to be disposable. Oh, honestly. No respect. He turned around the corner and nearly had a heart attack. Ikkaku, Renji, Tetsuzaemon, and Izuru were begging Captain Unohana and Lieutenant Kotetsu for a position in Squad 4 just one day. Both Unohana and Kotetsu were trying to tell them off nicely but to avail. If the small Shinigami hadn't seen it with his own eyes he wouldn't have believed it. He never should have opened his big mouth.

The End

(A/N That's it. I was made to be short like this. I hope it was fun. I had fun writing it. Oh, by the way I'm making free avatars for the website. If you need one or if you just don't like the one you have I can make one for you totally free. I don't mind just go to my profile to read up on it more thank you.)

Millie M. Banshee


	3. The Toshiro Two Step

Bleach: The Peroxide Series

The Toshiro Two-Step

(A/N This should promise to be a very funny story. Be prepared to laugh your socks off.)

**SOUNDS/sounds**

_Thoughts_

* * *

Toshiro yawned as he walked down the sidewalk leading to the park. He was the closest Shinigami that had been near the Hollow outbreak close to the park at that time. It was just a normal Hollow nothing that was any trouble to take care of. It was a mildly warm day with a cool breeze coming in from the west. It would just be good to sit down and clear his head for a while.

He paused suddenly and looked towards a tall hedge. He could've sworn he just picked up Orihime and Rangiku's spiritual pressure just ever so slightly. He turned towards the hedge just to check. Sure enough there was Rangiku and Orihime. They both were sharing a pair of ear-buds and shaking their hips in unison.

"Ahem!!"

The girls suddenly stopped and turned to see Toshiro push his way through the large hedge and stand in front of them. He had an odd look on his face as he faintly heard some low beats coming out of the ear-buds the girls were wearing.

"Hello, taichou," Rangiku grinned at her mini superior.

"What were you doing?" He asked as the girls looked at each other and then back at the small captain.

"We were dancing," Orihime broken in with a big grin.

"Dancing?" Toshiro raised a slender white eyebrow at them.

"He-yeah! Hey, taichou, you should dance with us!" Rangiku said, taking ear-bud out and started towards her captain.

"I do NOT dance," he stated bluntly, crossing his arms.

"Oh, come on don't be such a stick in the mud," Rangiku smiled widely. "Oi, Orihime, put your speakers in your iPod."

"Okay," Orihime said, reaching into her bag and pulled out a small set of speakers.

A moment later the most obnoxious music blared out of the small silver speakers. Toshiro cringed. How could they listen to that kind of music?

"What are you even listening to?" Toshiro asked, fighting the urge to cover his ears.

"The Hamster Dance," the girls said in unison.

"Riiight," Toshiro drawled, turning to leave. "I'll see you lat—EEEERRRR!!"

Before the young captain knew it he was literally swept off his feet by his busty fuku-taichou. His face planted deeply between her pillows. He really couldn't tell what was going on. He could, however, sense he was spinning around and being swung left and right rapidly in her arms. With one more spin Toshiro found the ground and tried to run only to wobble into Orihime as she grabbed him and put a hand around his waist and grab his other hand. Off they went around the small clearing.

"WEEEEE! Hahaha! Isn't this fun?!" Orihime laughed, putting the taichou into a dip.

"Stop this!" Toshiro snapped at her but she didn't hear him. _I'm starting to get really dizzy!_

When Toshiro was released he stumbled only to be caught by Rangiku again. She grabbed his small hands and led him around the clearing sashaying her hips the whole time. Then his horror she picked him and spun him around by his hands. He was dangling in the air going around in a circle. She set him back down and away he went in Orihime's hands again. She put him spin before putting him in a deep dip.

Suddenly he found himself in between them as they tried to make him do the cancan with them. All Toshiro knew was he had to get out this mess. He finally managed to get free but discovered very quickly how dizzy he had become. This was so humiliating. He if could drop dead now he would. He stumbled and fell back to the ground. He was seeing double by this point. However, that didn't mean that he didn't see 2 new pairs of feet in the semi-tall grass he was currently sitting in. He slowly looked at the two new figures still hearing the girls dancing and laughing in the background. It was none other than Gin Ichimaru and Ulquiorra Cifer. They were stared down at him as he was staring up them. Well, beggars can't be choosers, right?

"SAVE ME!! KILL ME!!" Toshiro screamed out, grabbing a hold of the pants leg of Gin Ichimaru. "They're insane! Get me outta here!"

Ulquiorra and Gin looked at each other and then back down at the slightly green taichou. Ulquiorra straightened his uniform a little as Gin did he same. Gin smiled even wider and as he kicked Toshiro off his leg.

"Are you kidding me?" Gin grinned at Toshiro. "Damn that looks like fun!"

"WHAT?!" Toshiro snapped out as Gin stepped over him and headed towards the ladies.

"Excuse us," Ulquiorra said, walking around Toshiro. "Ladies, may we cut in?"

Toshiro turned around and watched in horror as Gin grabbed Rangiku and Ulquiorra took hold of Orihime. He stared in awe, mouth dropping open, as Gin put Rangiku into a spin and Ulquiorra put Orihime into a dip. Had the whole world gone insane? They were dancing with the enemy! Toshiro slowly got to his feet and stepped back only to run into someone else. He turned around and saw to his horror, yet again, Aizen standing right behind him looking at the situation himself with look of, "what the fuck!"

"KILL ME!!" Toshiro bellowed out, grabbing Aizen around the waist.

"Get off me!" Aizen snapped, trying to pull Toshiro off him. "Let go of me!"

"Just kill me that's all I'm asking of you," Toshiro yelled as Aizen finally got him off.

"Leave me alone!" Aizen snapped, trying to run away only have Toshiro grab hold of his leg. "You're freaking me out! Let go!"

Toshiro was relentless and was not letting go and pulled down Aizen along with his pants. Who knew Aizen wore pink boxers. It must have happened in the wash, Toshiro mused. Well, he hoped anyway. So while one group of enemies took to dancing out their problems the other two took to battle of wanting to be killed and retreating. Not much of a battle but, hey, at least they were fighting, right?

The music suddenly stopped and silence filled the air. Aizen and Toshiro turned around to see Rangiku, Orihime, Ulquiorra, and Gin staring at them. The setting was very wrong at this point.

"Th-this isn't what it looks like!" Aizen snapped, trying to pull his pants back up.

"Say 'cheese!'" everyone turned to look at the new voice

"HUH?!"

**CLICK!! FLAAAASH!!**

"RUN FOR IT, IKKAKU!"

"RIGHT BEHIND YOU, YUMICHIKA!!"

"They didn't just...?" Gin said the smile now long gone.

"They did…" Rangiku nodded slightly.

"This is bad," Orihime said, looking at Ulquiorra. "What do we do?"

"Get them!" Toshiro shouted. "We need to destroy that evidence of me dancing!"

"Dancing the least of your worries right now," Aizen pointed out, struggling to get pants back up as he tried running with the rest of the group.

"He has a point," Ulquiorra pointed out.

"Shut up!"

The End

Millie M. Banshee


	4. Why Ulquiorra Never Smiles

Bleach: The Peroxide Series

Why Ulquiorra Never Smiles

(A/N I've got nothing….)

**SOUNDS/sounds**

_Thoughts_

* * *

Gin stared into the mirror on some random wall in the hallway. He was doing a small smiling routine. If he wanted to keep that creepy grin on his face practice was a must. He was a making a variety of faces with different grins at different angles. It was hard work to keep such a devilish smirk on his face.

He paused suddenly after seeing a set of green eyes staring at him from behind him in the mirror with one lone black eyebrow slight switching. Gin turned slightly pink after being caught. He turned around to meet the Espada behind him.

"What were you doing?" Ulquiorra asked.

"Me? Uh… I was just practicing," he said, brushing out his uniform. "You know, how else am I going keep this charming grin?"

"'Charming?' I would say, 'have you looked a mirror lately' but that would redundant," Ulquiorra drawled.

"My dear, Ulquiorra, was that meant to be some sort of joke?" Gin asked, raising a thin eyebrow. "It was, wasn't it? My, my… I never would have pegged you as one with a sense of humor."

"Humor?" Ulquiorra repeated.

"Yes, humor. It's very dry though… It would be better if you smiled while telling one," Gin said, giving Ulquiorra a very large grin.

"I do not smile," Ulquiorra replied, turning to leave.

"Oh, come now," Gin said, walking up beside Ulquiorra. "Everyone can smile. Besides I hear it is very good for the body. Come on let's see some pearly whites."

"I don't smile," Ulquiorra stated bluntly.

"Now why's that, hm?" Gin asked, now standing in front of Ulquiorra.

Ulquiorra looked around the area slightly before turning back to Gin. Gin waited with his hands on his hip. Ulquiorra let out a long sigh.

"Bad things happen when I smile," Ulquiorra said, leaning in close to Gin keeping his voice low.

"Bad things? Really? What sort of bad things? Show me," Gin asked.

"You don't want to see it," Ulquiorra said in a warning tone. "Trust me."

"Oh, now, it can't be that bad," Gin said, patting Ulquiorra on the shoulder and got a death glare. He quickly removed his hand. "Right… Just one little grin, okay? I won't bother you anymore. Promise."

"Very well," Ulquiorra answered.

Ulquiorra stretched the corners of his mouth showing his teeth slightly. Grant it don't look right on his face but it wasn't anything bad. What was Ulquiorra so worked up about?

**KR KRAAACK!! SHAAATTER!!**

Gin turned towards the mirror to find it pieces on the floor, the wallpaper began to peel, and a light fixture fell from the ceiling nearly hitting Gin. Gin ran a hand through his hair pulled out a clump of silver hair…

"My… My h-h-hair…?!" Gin said in shock, looking the clump of silver strands in his hand. "What the hell did you do?! I'm going bald!"

"I warned you," Ulquiorra said, crossing his arms. "When I smile bad luck comes."

"Have you ever considered using your smile as a weapon?" Gin asked, checking for any more bald spots.

"No, because whenever I smile something else happens," Ulquiorra said, looking at the ground. "I feel really bad about it."

"Oh, like what?" Gin asked, not really sure he wanted to know.

* * *

(Meanwhile)

"What is that?" Ichigo asked, looking at something fall from the sky.

"I don't know," Rukia stated, running after the falling object. "It's landing just on the other side of those trees."

When it landed to their horror they discovered it was a body. They quickly hurried up to it to see what was going on and noticed a set of feathered wings. They stared down in shock. It was an angel.

"What happened?" Rukia asked, looking at the dying angel.

"Ulquiorra…. Sm-smiled… Ugh…" with that the angel turned to dust.

"Smiled?" Ichigo blinked, looking at Rukia as she shrugged.

* * *

"Let me get this straight," Gin said, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Every time you smile an angel dies?"

"Yes," Ulquiorra nodded. "Which also results in the bad luck."

"Wow, okay… I've got nothing," Gin said, backing up. "You have left me at a loss for words and I'm going now. Ta-ta… _What a freak of nature! I wonder what my hair looks like by now?_"

"Oh," Ulquiorra gasped slightly.

"What?" Gin asked, turning back around.

"Never mind," Ulquiorra said, waving him off.

Gin gave him a funny look before turning and leaving. When Gin was out of sight Ulquiorra bit his lips and forced them into puckered position. He had gotten a look at the back of Gin's head. By morning he was going to be as bald as the 3rd seat for squad 11. He was trying not to smile. He mustn't smile. He needed to do something quick.

* * *

**THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD!**

Following the highly annoying repetitive sound Grimmjow was intending to make it stop. He rounded the corner and discovered a little glass under foot with what was left of a light fixture. He looked backed up to see Ulquiorra pounding his head into the wall. Okay, that was weird.

"Hey, you mind cutting out that—URK," Grimmjow stopped dead getting one hell of a death glare. "On second thought have fun. Bye."

Grimmjow quickly backed up and hurried back down the hall still hearing the thudding of Ulquiorra's head against the wall.

The End

Millie M. Banshee


	5. Kon’s Book of How and Why pt 1

Bleach: The Peroxide Series

Chapter 5

Kon's Book of How and Why pt 1

(A/N writing yet again. Hope you all in enjoy.)

**SOUNDS/sounds**

_Thoughts_

* * *

"Is this thing on? Testing! Testing! Hello, Kon here. You know me the loveable, super soft, fun plush lion that is a very valuable ally to Rukia, Ichigo and the others, right? Of course you do! I've been recently thinking about a lot of things here lately about the people around me and other odd things in this world. I have composed a long list and I'm calling it 'Kon's Book of How and Why.' For example… **AHEM!!**

"Why does Captain Mayuri Kurotsuchi wear his Zanpaktou up front and center? I mean wouldn't that hurt having that right there? He's has got to be kicking it all the time and clashing it with his 'other sword.' What if he caught it on something underfoot? Can anyone one say, 'ouch!?' Or maybe he's compensating for lack there of if you know what I mean. Hint, hint…

"How does Captain Kenpachi Zaraki keep his hair up like that, huh? He can't be using standard hair gel. And what's with the tiny bells on the end of each spike? That would drive me insane. I mean every time I moved my head I would jingle. Talking about a ringing in one's ears. Sheesh… Not only that but those spikes have to be super hard to stand straight like that and when you add in his sheer height I wander just how many birds he's skewed over the years? I shudder and the mere thought of it…

"Why is Ichigo's hair bright freaking orange? I mean seriously did he eat a lot of carrots as a baby? I once heard that some children's skin will turn orange if they have a carrot overdose. So what if it went to his hair instead of his skin? Flamingos are actually white but they eat a lot of pink shrimp so they turn pink. Maybe the same thing happened to that idiot. If it's true then I guess he really is a carrot top! Hahaha! Carrot top, get it?! I've got a million of them!

"How does Uryu Ishida keep his Quincy uniforms so white? I don't mean while he's fighting but while he's eating or something like that. I mean white is a magnet for everything. Yet he doesn't spill anything or brush up against something that could stain it. That's totally nuts! It must be some sort of secret Quincy technique or maybe it's something he's learned from sewing so much. Maybe the fabric has some sort of stain guard? I mean it's white! C'mon something has to stain it at some point. I'm I right? You know I'm right, damn it!

"Why are Orihime's boobs so big? Hey, I'm not complaining but… The girl weights like 100 pounds or so. I'm betting that most of that is from those soft, round, wonderful breasts. Most girls worry about what they eat going to their thighs but I'm guessing her food goes to her rather large pillows. I mean she's a stick with two large balloons! Boobies! I just like saying that! Boobies, boobies, boobies and more boobies. And Soi Fon has nothing… I mean nothing… Don't tell her I said that! By the way I've discovered that Rangiku is a size—ack!"

"Kon, what are you doing? Is that my digital recorder?"

"Uh, no, it's not, Ichigo. This one's mine."

"Wait a minute! That is my recorder! Give that back! I don't need you breaking it!"

"You' have to catching me first, Carrot Top!"

"What did you just call me?!"

"Nah-nah you can't catch me!"

"KOOOON!!"

**KA-THUD!!**

"Whoa! That was close! Well, I think I better sign out for now before CARROT TOP rips out my lush soft stuffing of love."

"Damn it, Kon, I'm going to—**CLICK!!**"

(A/N this will be set that will show up randomly and they only get nuttier each time.)

Millie M. Bansheee


	6. Toying Around

Bleach: The Peroxide Series

Chapter 6

Toying Around

(A/N I'm back with another sort. As always I hope you enjoy it. Please review!)

**SOUNDS/sound**

_Thoughts_

* * *

"Now that you're in my clutches, Orihime, there is now way I'm letting you go free," Aizen said looking down at Orihime. "And now I will have my way with you!"

"Oh, no, no, please, Lord Aizen, stop it," Orihime screamed, trying to get away from him with Aizen right behind her.

"Hold it right there, Aizen! Orihime, it's me Ichigo! I've come to rescue you," Ichigo called out running toward her and Aizen.

"Oh, Ichigo, my hero," Orihime swooned.

"Now, Aizen, prepare to die!" Ichigo yelled, charging at Aizen.

"I think not, Kurosaki," Aizen said, raising his Zanpakto. "It's your time to die!"

Aizen brought down his blade and killed Ichigo. A moment later Renji runs in and looks at the scene before him.

"Oi! What did you do to my friend?" Renji demanded, point his Zanpakto at Aizen.

"The same thing I'm going to do to you, ketchup head," Aizen said, killed Renji just as Rukia ran in. "And you too!"

He killed Rukia with one blow before returning to the frightened Orihime.

"Now, Orihime, that we are alone," Aizen said with a smile.

"Oh, no, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! Leave me alone," she cried turning away from him but paused and slowly turned back towards him. "And yet, I find you strangely attractive."

"Of course you do. Damsels in distress are always attracted to men with power and good looks. Thankfully I have both and you know it to be true," Aizen said, pulling in her close to him.

"No leave me alone," Orihime cried trying to push away.

"Now kiss me!"

"No, no!"

"Come here, kiss me!"

"No, stop it! No—uh, ugh, hahhh!!

"Hmmm! Ugh,

"STO—Ugh, ooh, ugh!"

"Heh, huh, umm, Uh."

"Oh, oh, Lord Aizen, your zanpakto is so big!"

"Of course it is—!!"

Suddenly a door opened behind Aizen. It was Kaname.

"Lord Aizen!" Kaname shouted!

"WHAT?!" Aizen shouted back.

"You are wanted in the conference room," Kamame stated, looking at Aizen's back.

"Knock on my door! Knock next time," Aizen barked still not turning to look at Kaname.

"Yes, sir," Kaname nodded.

"Did you see anything?!!"

"No, Sir—I didn't see you playing with your life size inflatable dolls again!"

"GOOD!!"

Kaname quickly slammed the door shut again. Good he didn't see… Wait a minute! That was Kaname! Of course he couldn't see and yet how did he now about his "toys"… And not to mention what hell did he and Kaname just say… If he didn't know any better he could have sworn…

* * *

"Oh, c'mon, what this?!" an arranchar whined, kicking at a closed door

"Movie night has been canceled, can't you read?!" Another arranchar bit out, point at the sign.

"Well, that just dandy, isn't?! I was looking forward to tonight's movie." Yet another arrancar spoke with an annoyed tone.

"Yeah, we all were. I wanted to see a Mel Brooks film and really wanted to see Spaceballs," A fouth arrancar snapped. "I wonder why Lord Aizen called movie night off."

* * *

**THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD**

"Okay, this really starting to weird me out," Grimmjow said, picking around the corner. "It's been two chapters and Ulquiorra is still pounding his head into the wall."

**THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD**

"It took you this long to weird you out?" Kaname stated, shaking his head.

"My, my is Ulquiorra still pounding his head into the wall?" Gin asked, walking up hind them. "He's made a pretty good sized crater, hasn't he?"

"What is that on your head?" Grimmjow asked, raising an eyebrow.

"My hair," Gin snapped.

"It looks more like an old mop," Grimmjow stated poking at Gin's head.

"It's not a mop! It's my hair, damn it!" Gin growled walking off.

"Funny, I don't see any hair," Kaname said with a slight smirk.

"OH, both of t you shut up," Gin growled, face bright pink as he pulled his "hair" down hard around head before running off.

**THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD**

"Do you think he'll ever stop it with the pounding," Grimmjow asked.

"I don't know…" Kaname shrugged.

(A/N This is for now. I hope you all enjoy this. Please review. I would like that a lot. Thank you!)

Millie M. Banshee


End file.
